This Saturday was no exception. I woke at 530am. As far as I was concerned, that was still a lie-in.
I managed to not get up straight away, bar an excursion to flick the light-switch, but lay in bed with my laptop next to me, catching up on social media and surfing you-tube. With a couple of cups of tea, I killed of a few hours in this lazy manner.
It had been pressing on me, for a long while, to spend some quality time with God. Having the whole day stretching out, I was in no particular hurry but I had set my heart on doing it. And it had been ages.
So, it being daylight, I got out of bed and sat in my prayer chair. (There is another story behind the prayer chair but perhaps in another blog).
You know when you are at the seaside and you are reluctant to get into the cold water so you wonder around psyching yourself up to it, or maybe if your bath is too hot and you keep adding water. Sometimes, I just don't know where to begin.
I picked up my guitar.
In my relationship with God my guitar is like the equivalent of buying cheap flowers at a petrol station, on your way to a date. If your date knows you and loves you well enough, the gesture, though pathetic, can actually be quite endearing. I think that is what I am hoping for.
When I don't know how to start, or what to bring, I sing a song.
When I say I sing a song, I mean a song. It is usually the same song I have been using for most of my Christian walk. I sing a song that made a big impression on me when I was a kid. So much so that we sang it at my baptism when I came out of the water. The song; Jesus take me as I am.
So I am sitting in my rather messy bedroom, in the chair of prayer. Scattered coffee mugs and books and cables and plates lie all around. (oh the bachelor lifestyle) I only have one window that is east facing and it is the smallest window in the room. The Sun is up but it is rather dingy outside and the light in the room is at bare minimum.
I play the opening chords and start to sing,
Jesus take me as I am,
I can come no other way,
Take me deeper into you,
Make my flesh life melt away,
Make me like a precious stone,
crystal clear and finely honed,
Now my singing is not amazing but I do give it some gusto, as anyone within a ten meter radius of me at church will testify. I don't consider myself a bad singer, just not a great one.....but listen, In my head it's a whole different story. I'm like Jeff Buckley. And as I start to play and sing, my mind starts to wonder off. I am still singing while my thought pattern is going something a little like this;
Yeah, not bad Matthew. I think you're sounding OK today. This is quite nice. A little croaky perhaps, but it is first thing. Maybe you could film this on your lap top?
Yeah, I could, couldn't I?
Yeah, and if the sound isn't too ropey, maybe you can post it to You-tube.
Yeah, right, it'll be one of those really intimate and powerfully anointed worship times, like Keith Green had when he recorded 'thank you oh my father'.
You remember that. That was such a powerful moment in the book wasn't it.
Yeah.
Maybe it'll go viral?
Please be patient with me. I am not a skilled musician and when it seems to go well, I get a little giddy. The funny thing is that all the time, as I am sure you have spotted, my attention is not really on the one to whom I am singing. And the more I think about this potential you-tube clip, the more off the mark my singing gets.
The thing is, I am convinced that the rather ropey performances I always seem to give in public, when leading, say, a Life-group or in a prayer meeting, don't reflect some of the amazing versions I seem to pull off when I am completely alone. I just want to be able to prove it. just once.
If you've read the last couple of blogs on my page, you will know that I am undergoing something of a renewal in my relationship with God at the moment. And as soon as I spotted the irony of what was going on in my head, I decided, a little reluctantly if I am honest, to stop trying to sing like Jeff (or worship like Keith) and inhabit the words.
The song is one about the process of refinement. It starts, so powerfully for me, with the premise that our blemishes and imperfections should in no way prevent our coming. It is not a take me as I am, because I change for nobody. It is a humble request for acceptance. I can come no other way. I can't pretend with you lord, I can only come in the state I am in.
I think the 'flesh life' pretty much sums up where I was coming from with my dreams of viral worship videos. But the moment I decided to reengage with these powerful words was the point at which I sang;
Life of Jesus Shining through
And as I sang it, straight to the father, a shaft of sunlight beamed through the window directly into my room.
Giving glory back to you
I was gobsmacked. The poetry of the moment was amazing. It was such cool timing. And I gazed up as I sang, and I noticed my little light bulb was still on, even though it was light. And it added nothing to the room, even in the dingy half light of the morning, its effect was negligible. In the light of the full on glare of the sun it was even more apparent. And I couldn't help compare my efforts for my own glory with the Glory of what God had just done when I sang, not for Internet hits or mans accolade, but to him alone and for him alone. My 40 watt bulb, against the power of His sunlight.
The light that he sent bought illumination to all my mess. It bought clarity and I poured all my gratitude back in to my singing for him.
I have thought about that song subsequently. I have always viewed it as my song. But in that intimate time of worship I came to realise that it is OUR song. Mine and the Father's. In the same way couples have a song, Jesus take me as I am is our song.
And although I suspect you will have difficulty believing this. God gave me a gift. In the moments which ensued as I sang to him, God anointed my playing and singing. I sang with such passion and sensitivity. I played, almost skilfully. I swear I did. It was a Keith Green moment after all. Just me and the Lord in intimate and deep conversation. Some things are just private, not for exploitation in a blog, but I tell you what,
It would have gone viral......maybe.
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