Facebook Fast: Days 8-11

 Just a quick catch up and then I will reflect on the reading for the most recent day; Day 11.

I have decided that rather than report on my experience, which if I am honest has not so far been varying much from day to day, and therefore there is less to write about, I will reflect on what Wendy has written for that day, and at least apply my mind to that. It gives me some stimulus for writing and will hopefully help me better engage with the material and, who knows, maybe even God.

My last time of writing was on Tuesday. It's now Saturday morning. Technically Day 12, but I'm reflecting on everything up to this point. Today will be included, hopefully tomorrow, but in the next entry, whenever that is.

I don't if I am honest have much to add. This week has been a very strange one and rather busy in it's own way, as I have been having some car problems that have made logistics a little more all consuming than they would usually be, and my mind has been occupied with a lot of other things. I am very pleased to say that as much as possible I have been able to keep up with the daily readings and also my churches bible reading program (This week we moved from Esther to Ephesians). But the amount of activity has made me, if I am honest, perhaps less reflective, that is to say it has taken my attention away from such things, especially during prayer times. And sometimes activity is a way of keeping God at arms length. We'll go here a little more in a moment when I talk about day 11's reading. Activity can be distraction. Ironically even 'devotion' can be a distraction, a comfortable barrier between me and Jesus. I fear the silence and I surround myself with noise. Silence is an open space and leaves nowhere to hide. I'm not sure what it is I am not facing but I know we have business to do, and I am most likely putting it off. The social media blackout, I am afraid, is all too easily replaced with nothing much, the nature of which is usually insignificant and miniscule, because although fb occupies a big place in my life, it really is just a few minutes here and there. But it is the little things that often take our eyes from the bigger picture.

In today's (Day 11) reading Wendy talked about idols. The bible verse she quoted was quite phenomenal; 

"Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them" ~Jonah 2:8

 It's funny because just Thursday night I was saying to a friend about the readings and how they weren't really going deep enough, and she was saying she felt the same, and then BAM, today happened! I think in todays reading, to some extent I found the thing that I really need to fast from. In a way FB is part of it, but overall it comes under a much bigger banner. Entertainment. It is the little amusements that I distract myself with, the noise I use to drown out his voice, the curtain I hide behind from his searching gaze. The thing I turn my face towards the most. When I have time to use for him or to spend with him (In a conscious way, I mean) I don't even ponder it. I simply burry myself in distraction. It's true that I come up to surface once in a while, and it's true that I hide from my responsibilities here as well as from God but largely, wherever I can, I immerse myself in films, shows, games and social media.

She says; "In the quiet of a selah pause, consider what it is that you turn to most. That which you turn to most often is often that which turns you away from God."

In my case it literally is. But I see here that the "Idol" itself is not the problem. It is my heart. Wendy also quotes Matthew 6:24, that you cannot serve two masters. You will love one and hate the other. Hate  seems a bit strong to talk about my feelings towards God, but if I behave in such a way, then my actions really are speaking in such terms. But I Love God. But how do I show it? I have been like Adam, and the films are my fig leaf. I'm ashamed to be seen. When you're obese you avoid mirrors, and when your stuck in sin, you avoid God. I need to walk naked in the garden again, metaphorically, I might add! 

Entertainment can be of value, but it is nothing to live for . It is useful, but it is useless as a God. And this idol I turn to....it turns me away from his love....the very thing that I need. Adam and Eve misunderstood God because of their shame, they did not anticipate his love. He made them clothes out of animal skins, in a foreshadowing of Christ. A death and a sacrifice to cover our shame. I was ready for a social media fast, but I am not for an entertainment fast, but I see one coming on the horizon. And for now, I need to learn to walk in the garden again.

Facebook Fast: Days 6 , 7 & 8

To me the the book's themes seem to revolve mainly around the premise of shifting your attention from your Social media, or really your phone, as this seems to be the main target, and looking up (at God) and around (at people and what God is doing with people and what we can do for them).

 The other focus so far, and a reoccurring theme, is being present in the moment. 

The most touching example of which is a story in which Wendy relates how her children ran inside one day to alert her an uncanny natural phenomenon occurring literally in her own back yard. That phenomenon was thousands of butterflies passing through her garden whilst migrating simultaneously due to some unusual climatic conditions. She notes how her first response is to get her  phone and stream this on social media but due to a Holy Spirit nudge she decides instead to share the moment with her children. She uses a phrase that her mother used to say to her, to take a mental picture. There are some flaws with this in my case because my memory doesn't really appear to work like hers, however, on adopting this approach she has a wonderful moment with her kids and is able to summon the sense of it through this mental picture she has captured. The primary point is the wonder around you and seeing God in the world and being present for that. Her kid says 'good job God', which is how she taught him to define praise, and they all join in with this. She is encouraging us to have many of these good job moments. Also, she finds that many people recorded the moment on social media (etc) meaning that she has had many opportunities to revisit footage of the event, without missing it in real time, and when she looked around in any direction for a few weeks afterwards, she could never see les than 20 or so Butterflies. The point being, that she did not really miss out as she feared she might by stopping to be in the moment rather than reaching for the phone.

I am not unmoved by her account of this, her words being far more eloquent than my hurried ones (indeed I shed a couple of tears), but I am asking myself if this is really me?

Don't get me wrong. I need to revel in the glories of Jesus all around me and I certainly need to take time, but I also have always found this to be the case in this area; I cant force myself to appreciate beauty. I have been left cold often by sights others would describe as breath taking. People have said to me in the past that they don't really like music. I cannot believe anyone can not be bothered about music. IT'S MUSIC, for God's sake! But I assure you such people are out there. I often see things I know should move me. That is a thing of beauty , I will say, but it doesn't always illicit joy. 

I've been writing poems since I was 14 but you can probably count my poems on natural beauty on my ten digits. 

So how do you cultivate that?

Have you ever had to apologize when you're not sorry? Have you ever had to say thank you when you're not grateful? Meaningless, as the ecclesiastical preacher would say. Utterly meaningless.

I have tried to cultivate gratitude, and I continue to do so, but it tends to go like this...'Thank you Lord for..., I recognize that this is something I should be grateful for'. But where is the heart? Maybe one day it will catch up with the words.

Don't get me wrong. I have lost my mind over the feeling that the smell of the ocean evokes when I'm swimming in it, to the point of wanting to cry. The heartachingly simple beauty of the purple hue on the head of a handful of plucked dried meadow grass....but I can't make that happen, and it's moments that happen a handful of times a month, or even a year (some years) at best.

I can't just ditch my phone and see that, or at least it is not the case yet. So I am still struggling with how to convert my fast into devotion, other than it is an expression of devotion in itself, but fasting in the wrong spirit can breed entitlement and resentment if you are not checked. I think I need some deeper business with him, to be honest. How to make this fast a feast?

Things still not really shifted with my handling of my phone. It is undoubtedly less than before but I am finding myself looking at it fairly regularly. Notifications don't help, and some of those are necessary, which makes it all the harder. 

Watch this space.

Facebook Fast: Day 5

 I spent a little time yesterday meditating and reading (for meditation see 'thinking') about the living water. An instance in John where Jesus talks with a Samaritan woman at the well (of Jacob)

“Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” ~John 4:13

 and an instance where Jesus stands up at the end of a feast and shouts out 'Is anyone thirsty, let him come to me and drink, and out of his inner being will flow rivers of living water'. 

On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”[ By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified. ~John 7:37-39 

I'm not much clearer really,  but only to say there are 2 points (which may be one and the same) that are connected to this living water, which seems to be a picture of the Holy Spirit. 

1. Coming to Jesus. He himself. He gives the water, and we have to come to him to get it. (And, if we are thirsty then thankfully we are invited to do so).  
2. We must believe. There is another verse in John where Jesus says that the work of God is this: to believe in thee one he has sent.

Belief sometimes feels abstract. I'm not sure how to work at belief, but the idea that you can, I find encouraging. But it is work and it is not work. I will hopefully look some more at this.

In other news, yesterdays reading was about becoming social. Wendy referred back to the verse from Matthew, where Jesus talks about loving the Lord with your heart, mind, soul and strength and talked about how the second part of that is loving your neighbour. Because people are not temporal but also eternal, investment in them is always important too. And I have been aware that although I am gravitating towards my texts, emails and messages in place of FB, it is certainly not a negative thing. The people I am messaging are directly involved in my real life. I have been more proactive with reaching out to my children and yesterday asked after someone who has dropped out of church activities for a few weeks, just to reconnect and make sure they are ok. When I read Wendy's bit retrospectively I could see that God had been leading me that way anyway, it was a real confirmation to what I am doing here!

Still feeling the itch though, but I think it might take a week or two to go entirely....

Facebook Fast: Days 3 & 4

 I am sorely missing an audience. I think I have well and truly worked out what it is that is so addictive to me personally, apart from the affirmation, which we covered yesterday. It's the same thing I get from preaching. Attention. I don't mean fuss, although I like that too. I mean people listening to me. I think primarily I feel like I don't have much of a voice in society and I suppose it's my Achilles heel. Even now, I am writing to an audience, but the reality is, no one but those to whom I have shared this with will be reading it. The fast dictates I will not be sharing it (or at least not now) but still I write to my invisible audience. The thing I hate most of all is to be ignored, or cut off. Being heard makes me feel like I matter. So it is affirmation, but it is a specific kind of affirmation.

I read day 3's reading today and Wendy spoke about a verse from Jeremiah (2:13)

“My people have committed two sins:

They have forsaken me,

    the spring of living water,

and have dug their own cisterns,

    broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

 

 What is this 'attention bubble' if it is not a cracked cistern? It is certainly a cistern that cannot hold water, as people's approval can come and go and be very fickle, but it is never more fickle than on social media. Because you get 'likes' or comments or reshares you seem to get a lot of reward but it is seldom lasting. I spend a lot more time thinking about the people who didn't like or share my posts than I do about those that did. In fact I kind of dismiss those that do rather quickly which is to cheapen it, and of course some of those can be very genuine, as are many of my own 'likes' of other peoples posts.

But aside from it's vacuous nature, it is not peoples attention we should be driven by, and in doing so we are often forsaking the 'spring of living water', the Lord himself. This surely is the purpose of fasting. As Wendy said its not that we are somehow putting social media in its place. That, although a fine biproduct, is not the object. The object is to put God in his rightful place. Not that the sovereign God has ever not been in his rightful place, but rather that we haven't acknowledged it as we should.

Here's my confession, I am not sure how to. I pray that that can and does change. I'm not drinking form the source that satisfies. Jesus said we would never thirst again. This cracked cistern has left me with an unquenchable thirst for something that NEVER delivers. The water that will quench my thirst forever. That's the water I need. That's the only affirmation. The Love of the Father. That is what  I need to meditate on.

 

Facebook Fast: Day 2

 So I am aware that I am being good, and it feels a little good....but, also, a lot more bad, because Iam struggling a little.  I am fine in a way. Able to function and not even think about it for a large percentage of the day, but the thoughts and impulses to look at my phone for notifications are still present, even though I have deleted the app, and no longer have prompts from the phone itself. It's a little like phantom limb syndrome.

I know, because I am told by just about every article on the subject, that there is a reward mechanism intrinsic to the social media habit, that when I get likes or shares or comments, there is a dopamine hit somewhere in my neural receptors, but to be honest that is, to my conscious mind, almost negligible. It doesn't really feel that good, and yet my behaviour certainly suggested there is an addiction formed by habit. I am certainly missing it, although I can't really say why.

Another little phenomena I am becoming aware of is that although I have got rid of Facebook, my mind is switching to other forms of online communication to replace it. I am, in the absence of my FB app, now looking regularly at my emails, texts and whatsapp group, ironically my life group whatsapp, which exists because we used to communicate entirely by Facebook, and so needed an alternative. But all this is to say, I'm looking for 'replacement idols', as my friend calls them. I have certainly found this in the past when fasting. My inner nature almost instantly inclines for something to replace the thing that I have given up, or am fasting from, with anything, almost anything BUT God.

I have found this with fasting too; How do you replace something with God or with a spiritual discipline? If I give up food, how does that draw me to Him?  There is of course the time one would spend eating. This could be spent in prayer. But how does it draw the heart? And with my FB habit, it's so small, in a way, a glance here, 30 seconds there (probably a hundred times a day), five minutes on the toilet, any time waiting to go into an appointment, etc. But then of course sometimes, once in a while, those 30 seconds  turn into 30 minutes and they turn, unchecked into an hour or two. How do I use this small and sometimes large chunk of time to lavish my attention on my Father, and not the demands of my fragile deflated ego, looking to be pumped up.

I have found with lent, often, because I am not following a program (but just rather giving stuff up and seeing what happens) the vacuum created by it's absence is not filled with God, and, as I have said, if anything gets filled up with other non God stuff.

So if this fast doesn't have a structure, I surely can expect more of the same. I mean right now I am writing this blog instead of getting stuck into some intimate prayer time with Father.

So back to the book. One of my friends from life group has started to send me the pages by screenshotting them, so now there is something to connect to. Although this is day two, being written on the morning of day three, the first days chapter really did have something to say to me.

This is the thing that jumped out at me:

“There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square inch, every split second is claimed by God, and counterclaimed by Satan.” ― C. S. Lewis

This is such a good quote and even now I am dying to post it to my Facebook. The author (Wendy) is talking about how everything is permissible but not everything being beneficial, and about God only being good (Why do you call me good, only God is good) and all goodness emanating from him. Into this we see that God has a claim on every moment, even those spent on Facebook (and those spent not being on Facebook). So I suppose for me the challenge is 'how is God claiming this moment, and what is the counterclaim, and where and how do I resist it?'

So, thanks to my friend, the book is beginning to have an impact. I just hope I can translate this into the reclamation of time and space for 'intentional devotion' rather than random distraction. 

Watch this space, I guess.

Facebook Fast: Day 1

 Yesterday was the 15th of September. The first of a forty day fast from social media, which, for me, means Facebook. I want to record my experience of this fasting here on a daily basis. Just for reflection mainly. 

I was not feeling especially challenged about social media. For me, while it has been a problem in the past, these days it feels like it has a place in my life but it feels more integrated and not that pervasive. However when I heard that some people from my church life group were going to be doing a 40 day social media fast, it was the fasting itself I felt challenged about.

I asked the Lord for a theme for 2020, back in January, and he told me that 2020 for me is about fasting and feasting. I was conscious that I hadn't yet fasted and we are in September already!

My friends are following a fast program tied in to a book launch on the subject of fasting social media, the author of which is 'Wendy Speake'.

I have had a lot of trouble trying to download the book, so initially it felt like I was just cut adrift. I knew I was fasting but wasn't sure quite why. Inevitably the light-switch moment came, in fact many of them came. Do you know what I mean by light-switch moment. It is that point in a night-time power cut where you look for candles to ease the darkness and because you cant see properly into the cupboards, you go to switch the light on. And then you remember why you need ight in the first place.

My Light switch moment was my first feeling of frustration that I couldnt look at Facebook, and then I had a few seemingly profound thoughts about my experience of being off social media that I immediately thought of posting these on Facebook, you know, about how I wasn't posting on Facebook. Clearly there is a real pull here. I think they call it virtue signaling. My dopamine hit is attention through Facebook. I found myself thinking about it many times over in the day. I knew this before. I've even fasted Facebook before, successfully for month. It really is a substitute and the hit I get has become a bit of an idol.

Old Enemies Require Old Remedies

 

Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: “Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my attendants will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.”

I have been following my church's reading pattern for a few weeks now. We started off in Marks gospel, but for the last 3 days we have been reading, one chapter a day, from the book of....(yes you've guessed it from the quote) Esther.

As I started digging around to find  some background to the story, I looked into Haman, the villain of the story, wondering why so much hatred existed in him for the Jewish people (The story is all based around his plot to annihilate the Jews)  that he would offer 10,000 talents of silver (375 tons, worth around £32, 000,000 in todays money)and found that he was possibly a little more than just profoundly peed off at Mordecai's snub, though it more than likely triggered him.

Haman was an Agagite, a descendent of Agag, the Amalekite King, killed by Samuel, after Saul Disobeyed God and spared him. The reason God was so harsh on the Amalekites? Well part of it was their history with Israel. It was the Amalekites who attacked Israel in the desert under Moses, when they were vulnerable. It was the Amalekites who were descended from Esau, Israel's (Jacobs) oldest enemy, and later on It was the Amalekites who sacked Ziklag and carried off David's wives into captivity, And here It was the Amalekite descendent Haman, trying to wipe out the Jews by manipulating the king. The enmity ran deep.

I was especially encouraged to see how the solution to defeating them had a consistent thread running through all of these encounters. The Answer is prayer.

Have a look. 

Jacob, wrestled with God all night before going to face Esau and was spared in the morning.

Moses held his arms aloft whilst Joshua fought the battle below. When he raised his arms in prayer they were winning, and when he lowered them, they were losing. They won that day.

David, after they had sacked Ziklag, prayed and encouraged himself in the Lord. He then rode out with his men's faith restored and took back what their enemy had stolen from them, and was rewarded with the spoils too!

And dear Esther, having heard what Haman had in store for her people called for 3 days of prayer and fasting and then committed herself to risking death by approaching the king uninvited.

Listen, with all of these prayers there was prayer and there was action. Pete Grieg refers to this model as breathing in prayer and breathing out mission. 

Jesus did the same thing all through his ministry, and lastly at Gethsemne, where he laid down his life for us, before he was ever betrayed to the Romans.

The Seeking of the king and the outworking of the Kingdom.  Committing yourself to God in prayer and committing yourself to God's will in the outcome. 

Once the deed was done in the prayer room, Esther surrendered to God. If I perish, I perish, she said.


Our battle, Paul reminds us, is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

If a new foe feels familiar, it's because the same spirits still seek the destruction of the people God loves, and they are still bested, on our knees, in prayer.