It came to my attention recently that there was an area of my life where I'd been continually under-performing and had gotten into a vicious cycle of self loathing and failure. Because I was not measuring up I felt unworthy and hypocritical which in turn sent me into a spiral of depression and prayerlessness which distanced me from God which made me more likely to continue to mess up. You see what I mean by vicious cycle! And then a short while back I heard a sermon on grace. And while the preacher spoke his soothing words about love and grace and performance I felt my heart melting from a long winter spell. I realised that I had been trying to perfect myself by my own efforts and utterly failing. I realised that God has no further requirements on me, that all demands are met in Jesus and I can not add anything to that, nor take anything away from it.
Now, at Bible college I considered myself a Calvinist and to have a reasonable grasp on the themes and doctrines of grace but somehow I was still trying (not to earn my salvation, let me be clear) to be worthy by my own good deeds...to put it simply "trying to be good enough". This is the beauty of grace; it completely conveys to us that God the Father loves us, unconditionally, just as we are. That love is not withheld (as it sometimes is by our earthly parents) because we are not making the grade or because we transgress in some way. He loves us completely.
Now one of the things in this sermon that stood out for me was this. He was talking about drug addiction and how some workers involved in rehabilitation say "stop trying to give up". His point, I believe was that grace changes the heart (inside out) and from there your actions change, whereas trying just to change your habits (outside in) can never really change your heart. However these words almost sounded like the ringing of church bells in my ear, it was as though they were highlighted to me personally "stop trying to give up" and I thought if that can apply to that situation then maybe the same principle can apply to mine. Stop trying to be good enough.
The strange thing with the human heart is that it cant really handle freedom from rules very responsibly. Almost immediately had I decided to apply this new way of thinking I was also planning to take advantage of it. I was almost sinning that grace may abound more. This is when it struck me that Gods grace is something that we cannot handle without Gods spirit. When are keeping in step with the spirit, and possessing the mind of the spirit then we use our freedom to love and serve. We also understand why a loving God doesn't want us to sin....not so he can give us a holy clip round the ear but because he wants to spare us the pain and desolation of some of those darker paths we seem to chose for ourselves. In short its his kindness that leads us to repentance.
I brought this subject up with my aforementioned "spiritual director" because although there was a thread of licentiousness in my new understanding it was still beautiful to feel accepted again and loved for who I am. My plan was to allow God to deal with my sin rather than simply addressing it myself. My spiritual director then wisely pointed out to me that grace is about freedom but its about freedom to experience Gods transforming power, that I need to go beyond these issues of legalism and license and abandon my self not to my own way but to his grace and to use that grace to abandon myself to exploring Gods Love and what that means and how it changes me.
So this is my great thought; Grace doesn't allow me to wallow in sin (its not there for that) Instead it gives me the space I need (to make mistakes and practice being obedient and faithful) to be transformed by Gods love and power. Instead of being condemned where I stand, I am safe and loved and can discover what it means to be a child of God.
