Oh How He Loves Us

I would love to share my latest experience with you.....the next thing God has said, before the ripples diminish and the recall ebbs from my memory. But I have a feeling somehow this one is not going anywhere. Since I have been under spiritual direction (as previously mentioned) I have come to realise that God is always speaking....the new skill I am learning is to discern his voice...he seems to have seasons and patterns. I see now that we as Christians need to come past the narrow confines of  "hearing God" through this direct charismatic experience of "getting a word" and into realising that through our whole lives God is speaking...through our circumstances, through what we are consuming, through who we meet, through the consequences of our actions. The question springs up from scripture: "Do you not perceive it?"

I am constantly being drawn back to this central point in my journey, the base camp from which all explorations are to be carried out, if you will....the point is this; The transforming nature of Gods love. From here I have explored grace and then freedom. On my last big talk with God he gave me some perspective on all my questions which busy my mind and dominate my prayers. He told me to shut up...and he told me to listen. He indicated by the trains passing through the bridge that I was stood on that my life in the place of history is like a passing train...here and gone in a comparative instant...and he told me that what I thought had been the start of my Journey with Christ had in fact only really been about getting me to the station: my journey, in reality, is just about to begin. Last week I was given an indication of just how important the centrality of Gods love is....

Not in an especially  great frame of mind I had gone for a walk...it just happened to be the same walking route where God had spoken to me last time. I had gone with the mind to get a few things off my chest after a very frustrating day and was fully armed with a few choice words for the almighty...if I cant be real with him after all (who knows my heart) can I be real with anyone? But in truth the majority of my choice words (indeed the choicest) were reserved for me. As is often the case when I am feeling peeved with the Lord it is because I have got myself locked into some mental and emotional prison through my own silly sins. I use the word silly to illustrate that these things are trivial....they are not...all sin leads to death...and these sins had lead me to  a place where I was dying a little every day. Sin separates us from God. Its that simple. Where there are areas where we are surrendered to sin, we are in slavery to the spirit of death and separated from the God who loves us.
As I walked and talked I did maintain some perspective of gratitude as I can see that no matter how bad I am feeling he has done some amazing things for me....I still had a sense of hope but there had been a growing sense of unease with some of those easy answers I still automatically spout to myself when I start to doubt. Then I came to the bridge where he previously spoke to me...could it happen again, I thought. I remembered the lesson from last time, rested my head on my arms as I leaned on the bridge and stilled my thoughts and remained silent for a few minutes (a rare treat for the Lord).

"Ahhhh" this is nice, I thought. Nice and peaceful! I felt the stress start to leave my body. A few minutes passed (which always feels like ages when you have imposed silence) but no voice from God, no still small voice or angelic visitation (lets be honest, I had kind of ruled that out). Oh well I thought, its been nice anyway...just a minute longer and I'll get back! Then my eyes fell down onto the ledge of the bridge that I was leaning on. There was a tiny (almost microscopic) insect that I had never seen before sitting next to a bit of (what I presume is) moss. I am not a lover of bugs (though I have long held the philosophy of respecting all life) but for some reason I was profoundly moved (almost to tears)at the sight of this tiny helpless creature who was completely unaware of my presence or my ability to end its life on the slightest whim. I watched it for a while and as I did I felt the verse come to me from scripture (Matthew 10:29-30) about the comparative worth of tiny valueless sparrows..."and yet not one of these will fall to the ground outside your fathers care" and I started to think about how God cared for ALL his creation...even this little bug. That all its days were marked and all its activities were noted.



And then he took me back to the sparrows and reminded me that the point of this verse is not the care for the sparrows or bugs but that comparatively we are worth so much more to him, that he loves us completely.
"Okay, okay Lord" , I said. "I get it!" but if you love me so much how come I don't feel loved? (please don't get me wrong...there have been some great moments over the span of my life of feeling Gods love (I wouldn't have made it this far if there had not of been) but I was talking here about that continued daily sense of love and approval). And then he said "because you haven't been healed". 

BOOM. I realised that when God had moved in my life so powerfully at the age of 18 and changed me so radically that I had instantly focused on what I should do in response. That I never addressed the wounds of childhood but just kept marching on...independent from any ones help and independent from the God I sought to serve. It was no wonder I hit burn out 5 yrs down the line. No wonder My self esteem had been such a driving factor in most of my life and ministry. My relationship had been based mostly on my love for God NOT his love for me. And here is the answer to that it is "not that we first loved him but that he first loved us".

Okay then how do I get healed? that's what I asked him......the answer surprised me....he said "You must be born again!". I don't want to get theological on you. I have since worked out that he is talking about a proper birth, a complete "new man" in Christ. To re educate myself to receive the fact that I am loved...to call him Daddy...to let Daddies affirming words of love transform and renew my mind. The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death...but the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace.

I have since noted that the world (and indeed some believers) don't understand God and view his authority with suspicion because they don't get that he loves us......without that perception you are nowhere, out in the wilderness......with that perception you are stood on the banks of the Jordan....About to enter into what he has promised you. I thank Daddy for the place I now call "perspective bridge".