lessons in fear

  

Imagine you are in a museum and in a privileged position to have a personal tour. At a certain point, you come across a lone piece in a separate room of its own. You must pass through a thick security door which requires a key card for entrance. On entering the door is electronically sealed behind you. There is one glass case in the centre of the room, lit up from beneath and as you slowly approach you see that in it is a small sculpture that is thousands of years old. Your guide informs you that this piece belonged to an ancient Emperor and it is so fragile it must be preserved in special conditions. Its value is inestimable, both financially and academically. Then your guide pulls out some special gloves which they ask you to put on. You do so without really thinking about it. They open the case and, before you can object, delicately place it into your hands. How do you feel? Right okay, hold that thought. We will come back to it in a moment.

 

 

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear....And Grace, my fears relieved.

 

During the Sung worship at "Life in the Spirit" leaders conference, I found myself singing these words. It's an all male conference (although this year was the last time this will be the case) and there is a real power in that sound. You can imagine you are in a Welsh all male-voice choir if you close your eyes and excuse the lack of harmonies, and this old Hymn lends itself well to that feel.

 

 

We are all so very familiar with "Grace". Its an old hymn, a blistering classic of the genre sung by many, many well known artists over the years. It lends itself to Gospel especially well and there is something extremely powerful indeed in hearing it sung by African Americans. Especially so because it was written by an British ex slave trader who was effectively an ex slave himself, as he had been pressed into a naval life. 

 

He wrote this Hymn after a powerful conversion experience. He had his eyes opened to the state of his soul before God and of the foulness of his sin. He had previously been blinded to these but now he saw. He understood Gods forgiveness and his grace. He not only repented but became a forceful part of the campaign for the abolition of slavery. Its a powerful story. And because there have been so many stories like it, those of us who too have had our eyes open to what "wretches" we have been, sing it with that extra bit of passion because his grace to us is more than a concept, its our experience and our reality.

 

But I confess although I have sung this hymn many, many times I am not sure I have ever really dwelt on this phrase before, not in any more than a cursory sense. I have always thought more about the "fears relieved" bit, truth be known.

 

It struck me this time, however, right between the eyes. It was grace that taught my heart to fear. Really? I have to think about this. Isn't God making you fearful in order to relieve your fears a little like those situations in romantic comedies when the shy "hero" sets up a false robbery so he can come to the rescue of the woman of his dreams? In those scenarios the woman usually finds out and ends up thinking even less of them. But this isn't the case with God. The fear he instills in us is a wake up call to a very real danger.

 

My son, not so long ago was headed out into the road without looking. I barked out his name in the deepest most aggressive and arresting voice that I could. Everything I put into that voice was to serve one purpose. To scare the life out of him and stop him in his tracks. It worked. He hated me for it but I may have saved his life. I was alerting him to a real danger but I scared him in order to save him, not so I could be a hero.

 

When I was at my furthest from God during some dark teenage times I was actually coming to a place, through my own rebellion, where I realised that I probably did believe in God (I'd been wrestling with it for a couple of years) but I found myself coming to the conclusion that I did not love him. My reasoning was simple. I had prayed a prayer to invite Jesus into my life and I was therefore going to heaven. Like a good "reformed"* boy I knew it was probably forever, that you cannot "lose" your salvation. I had a good understanding of grace, that it was not my goodness that got me into heaven. But that was just the problem. I saw so many of my friends (and I still do) as being much more naturally good than I was. So how could God save me and send them to hell? I was scandalised by gods grace towards me, not thankful, not grateful. I was offended by it.

 

It was during this time that I had a conversation with my Dad. I told him "I know Jesus died for me but I don't think I can love him!" I am pretty sure that my father was rocked by this, in hindsight, but he kept steady and said to me in an icy calm voice, the kind he would use when I was a kid and he needed to let me know that this was the final warning, "If you know Jesus but turn away from him it would be better for you that you had never been born!". Now I know that if you are not a christian (and perhaps if you are) this will seem a harsh thing to say to your own child. Some of you may not look favourably on him for that. But he was effectively shouting my name as I ran out into the street.

 

Those words stuck with me for days. They clung to my soul. Not just fear of eternal punishment but the significance of WHO had said them to me. It woke me up. It primed my soul. I knew deep down from that moment on that I understood the truth, that I had done so all along and had been playing games with it. That conversation was the start of the turning point in my life. It was a grace to me. Scaring people with hell fire is only an evil if there is no hell. If there is a hell then it is the most loving thing you can do. But fear is never a substitute for love. Love casts out fear.

 

The words of the hymn are more tender than that. Its not just fear of eternal consequences. It is gods grace to wake you to those but his grace also teaches us, far more importantly, to fear God. Let me take you back to the museum scenario I gave you initially. How do we feel holding this precious thing, this thing which is worth twenty times over what I will earn in a lifetime, this thing that archaeologists had devoted much of their lives to finding, this thing that could crack and break with the slightest sudden movement? When I put myself in that picture I feel fearful....but its an awestruck fear. What would happen if I dropped this thing? It is reverence. Gods grace teaches us the awe of a holy God. And gods grace itself is an awesome and fearful thing. Never to be taken lightly because it belongs, not to an Emperor, but to the King of all kings, because it too has been secured and preserved with very particular conditions, with the blood of that King and its value is inestimable because, put quite simply, you cannot buy the eternal favour of God, its something he bestows on you. Awestruck by that concept? We should be.

 

I love C S Lewis' use of a Lion to represent Jesus. You may, under certain circumstances, be able to cosy up to a lion but you are never going to forget what it is capable of. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. Maybe today you can hear the Lions low rumbling warning growl, that says "easy now, one false move and you're for it".

 

But grace did not just teach my heart to fear it also relieved my fears. There is no questioning the love of God which drives out all fear when it cost him his Son on the cross. He says simply "There are no lengths that I will not go to, for you". What are we to do about that? It relieves your fears to know you are loved like that. Why would you fear a human enemy or an earthly calamity when the maker of the universe is for you to such an extent. I pray I never lose that reverent awe but never forget that fear I once felt, that has been relieved by grace.




*reformed refers to a theological understanding which amongst other things holds that you cannot earn your salvation with good deeds and likewise you cannot lose it with bad ones.