Advent Blog; Day 12
As a kid I always thought that Josephs initial plan to divorce Mary quietly was a bit harsh. Even up until recently. I don't think I really understood what damaged pride and sexual jealously can do to an adult. Through the years I have had my fare share of betrayals by girlfriends (with "friends" too) but I was never asked to live with them afterwards. I am the forgiving type, generally but I always wondered how I would react in the light of a full on sexual betrayal.
When I grew up (allegedly) and got married I speculated that if my wife were to ever be unfaithful I would be able to have nothing more to do with her. Not that I could not forgive her but that I couldn't face the knowledge of her betrayal resurfacing on a daily basis for the rest of our life together. I didn't think I would be able to ever forget that ugly fact. I didn't want every time of intimacy to be tainted with the thought of her intimacy with another. Then of course, there's the trust issue. If I could forgive how sure would I be that it wouldn't happen again? A relationship without trust seemed to me to be self defeating. The purpose of marriage is to be one flesh, one mind and one heart. Not without differences but with a complimentary unity of the joining of the two. How could this ever be without trust.
People often see folks who take back unfaithful partners as weak. This could have some truth but for the largest part the opposite is true. The story of Hosea filled me with dread. Hosea was a prophet who God asked to take an unfaithful wife as a picture of his relationship with Israel. The thought that God would ask me to do something similar felt like about the worst thing I could think of. My self esteem is low enough, thank you very much.
As the years went by my speculations changed. Was it really that simple? If she were to be unfaithful would I really want to throw it all away? What about all the years we had put in to this. Would I ever find such a deep connection with anyone else? Could I really throw it away over one little mistake? And then the children came along. How could I change forever that which gave them such comfort and stability?
When it came it did not take the form that I would have anticipated. It was not a one time thing on a drunken night out with colleagues. She had been unhappy for a long time. She did not go behind my back. That would have been a kindness. If she had cheated on me it would have meant that she, at some level, still cared what I thought. She reconnected with an old friend online and then began the process of ending our 15 year relationship with my full consent and involvement. It took the best part of two months of late night "discussions" but her mind had been made up from day one.
I was utterly desperate that this thing should not happen and dreaded my reaction but I was just a passenger in this car-wreck. The day after her one night stand with this guy we had a conversation. She said the whole thing had been a mistake. She broke down in floods of tears. In that moment I knew I could forgive her. I pitied her, (how could she have known how she would feel?) and offered to come back.
She refused my offer. I am not ungrateful for that now. For the reasons I stated initially I am not sure if it would have ever gone away. But I understood now how a man can forgive. Joseph must have faced all kinds of feelings when confronted with this dilemma.
Joseph was in the early stages of his relationship with Mary but I am sure that his sense of shame and betrayal were very real to him. When my girlfriends were unfaithful to me, as a teen, I could not wait to expose them and shame them for the hurt they caused me. Joseph is the bigger man. He decides to treat Mary decently (although he is probably thinking she has not done this much for him).
I think the quality of his reaction demonstrates why God picked them as a couple. Joseph is a righteous man and a kind man too, it would seem. A man who treated with honor those who did not, seemingly, deserve it. A man after Gods own heart. Perfect father material.
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