An unusual thing happened to me of late. My little Nissan Micra became financially unviable after it failed its MOT. Nothing unusual about its failing; it failed every year without fail, if you'll forgive the wordplay. As a rather older car it was a bit prone to the old rust and each MOT revealed some new welding job, or other, that had to be done. I accepted the cost of the welding as part of the overall running cost. As not much else went wrong with it, it seemed quite negligible in the grand scheme of things. However the hundred pounds or so that it usually cost was not a negligible sum to me. I scarcely have ten pounds to spare at the end of each month, let alone a hundred. Fair dues though, I have always managed. Some how God has provided for me. This year, however, the overall cost of the repairs were closer to £400. Given that my car was given to me for free and its actual value would have been estimated at a couple of hundred, it made no sense to pursue its repair, whether the Lord provided the money or not.
Now I say that I have always managed but this does not mean that I have always been calm about the situation. I would love to be able to paint a picture for you in which I am a gentle and unassuming man of faith with a steady confidence and unwavering belief in the Lords provision, a certain steel in my gaze as I stride confidently into the future God has for me. The truth, though, is that I am a flapper and a worrier. It doesn't seem to matter what my past experience of Gods provision is, there is always an element of panic. I don't so much stride confidently as shuffle reluctantly.
I have no reason for such panic really. God knows how much I need that car but then, that's just the thing; God KNOWS how much I need it. Its not a material thing, as such, its not a nice extra. It is not too much of an exaggeration to say it's essential to the smooth running of my parenting and many other aspects of my life. Essential maybe a slight overstatement but I would say that it is integral to what I do.
I have no reason for such panic. My first car was given to me by a friend who was something of a mechanic. My second car was given to me as a birthday present by my Father. My third car was given to me by friends from my church. My fourth (and present) car was given to me by an acquaintance through the youth work I do. You see, God and his people have looked after my transport needs so well (and I hear them all say "If only you had looked after your transport well") that I have every reason for having confidence in Him.
And we come now to the unusual thing I spoke off at the start of this blog; a sense of trust in God. As things started to go pear shaped with my Micra, I really started to panic. I knew that this time there was no way I was going to be able to afford to fix it, even if the cost had only been a hundred again. I was so worried that I got my house group to pray that it would pass its MOT. It felt as though I were asking for a resurrection. On the morning of the test I was running around like a headless chicken trying to sort out bits and bobs, spending precious money, needlessly, on it.
Later while I was at work I got the call to say that she had failed and what the estimated cost of the repair was to be. What I experienced, although I had. in my way, already tried to trust him previously and had placed it all in his hands, was a genuine sense of peace about it all. Not a sort of airy fairy cloud-like peace but a calm confidence that it was being looked after. I think finally all the good he has done for me over the years has started to filter through. I think its my lesson of the moment. I am still in the middle of this car crisis but some really decent saints have come to my aid time and time again and I am getting through it and learning a good deal in the process. I know God will provide for my need and his grace is sweet and it is sufficient no matter what the outcome.
I chose the illustration of the car to show you the passage of Gods faithfulness to me. It is so hard to trust him in the present when all seems to be falling apart. It is hard in those times to remember his past faithfulness. If I told the stories of his miraculous mechanical provision from a pulpit they might sound like victorious faith storys but at the time it never felt like that. It felt like a tale of blind panic followed by embarrassed relief.
But this doesn't just apply to cars. Like I said, it's Gods lesson of the moment to me. I am a very slow learner. I cant tell you how pleased I was with myself when I realised that my first reaction, when I get something tangled in a chair leg is no longer to simply pull harder to free it. Now my first reaction is to stop and then to trace the cable (or whatever it is) to the source of the blockage. When I found myself doing this instinctively, I realised that I really had changed. I found it so moving and such a real source of hope. I know, its a joke, right? But when these things don't come naturally to you they mean a lot more. So this first sign that I am beginning to trust him more is a real relief to me too.
Do not let your heart be troubled. You have put your trust in God, put your trust in Me also.~ John14:1
And so I find myself just starting out on this voyage into the realm of real trust. I feel like a boy in a dinghy just pushing off from the coast into truly deep oceanic waters. But the truth is I can trust him for everything. In the waiting and the surrendering of fear; I am growing, character (no matter how slowly) is forming. He is in every situation and so I can trust him for my future. I can trust him for my children. I can trust him that if I am to be alone or partnered, he is my all in all. I can trust him for my loved ones who have gone on before me. I can trust him for my mother, who trusted him as she worked through the process of healing from the sexual abuse she suffered as a child. She trusted him year after year, turn after turn, from mountain peak to valley floor. She wavered at times, sure, but she proved him trustworthy. That is her legacy to me, that is what I always remember about her faith, her sincerity and her certainty in the ultimate goodness of God. She was given a prophetic picture about three tears that must be shed for her healing. The last tear that had to be shed in this picture was for her fear of death. I believe that God showed her first hand, at the age of 57, there really was nothing to be scared of and he showed her, first hand, for herself. She would have been 65 tomorrow.
Its all an MOT; Matter Of Trust!
I think that for all of us, trust is sometimes the hardest lesson of all. It means relinquishing control (but don't worry, it was only an illusion anyway), it means laying down the idols (yes the idols) that we have formerly leaned on for support, it means walking in darkness with nothing but a promise and a hand to hold. But that hand is stronger and more sure than anything in all creation, it is your fathers hand, the hand of God.
Jennie Anne Burt
(Mum)
05/02/1948 - 26/07/2005
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