X

Wrote a new poem this morning. I dont really use this blog for poetry but I wanted to share it as a link so here it is, Hope you like!

X

X is for Christ,

X in my life,

X wordling,

Unfurling,

Xpired,

Old man tired,

His power is draining,

and failing.

Xperience the journey,

X marks the cross roads, to turn he,

Xacts a sharp right

Walks through the night,

Xpectant the sight,

The glimmer of light,

That changes the view of the path stretched before him,

Xcited we go to adore him.

X addict,

X liar,

been tried,

In the fire.

X marks the spot,

X marks the shot,

of love in my heart,

of light in my dark .

X replaces my slave name,

My name is wirtten,

In the book of life,

In Christ,

With an X

Oh How He Loves Us

I would love to share my latest experience with you.....the next thing God has said, before the ripples diminish and the recall ebbs from my memory. But I have a feeling somehow this one is not going anywhere. Since I have been under spiritual direction (as previously mentioned) I have come to realise that God is always speaking....the new skill I am learning is to discern his voice...he seems to have seasons and patterns. I see now that we as Christians need to come past the narrow confines of  "hearing God" through this direct charismatic experience of "getting a word" and into realising that through our whole lives God is speaking...through our circumstances, through what we are consuming, through who we meet, through the consequences of our actions. The question springs up from scripture: "Do you not perceive it?"

I am constantly being drawn back to this central point in my journey, the base camp from which all explorations are to be carried out, if you will....the point is this; The transforming nature of Gods love. From here I have explored grace and then freedom. On my last big talk with God he gave me some perspective on all my questions which busy my mind and dominate my prayers. He told me to shut up...and he told me to listen. He indicated by the trains passing through the bridge that I was stood on that my life in the place of history is like a passing train...here and gone in a comparative instant...and he told me that what I thought had been the start of my Journey with Christ had in fact only really been about getting me to the station: my journey, in reality, is just about to begin. Last week I was given an indication of just how important the centrality of Gods love is....

Not in an especially  great frame of mind I had gone for a walk...it just happened to be the same walking route where God had spoken to me last time. I had gone with the mind to get a few things off my chest after a very frustrating day and was fully armed with a few choice words for the almighty...if I cant be real with him after all (who knows my heart) can I be real with anyone? But in truth the majority of my choice words (indeed the choicest) were reserved for me. As is often the case when I am feeling peeved with the Lord it is because I have got myself locked into some mental and emotional prison through my own silly sins. I use the word silly to illustrate that these things are trivial....they are not...all sin leads to death...and these sins had lead me to  a place where I was dying a little every day. Sin separates us from God. Its that simple. Where there are areas where we are surrendered to sin, we are in slavery to the spirit of death and separated from the God who loves us.
As I walked and talked I did maintain some perspective of gratitude as I can see that no matter how bad I am feeling he has done some amazing things for me....I still had a sense of hope but there had been a growing sense of unease with some of those easy answers I still automatically spout to myself when I start to doubt. Then I came to the bridge where he previously spoke to me...could it happen again, I thought. I remembered the lesson from last time, rested my head on my arms as I leaned on the bridge and stilled my thoughts and remained silent for a few minutes (a rare treat for the Lord).

"Ahhhh" this is nice, I thought. Nice and peaceful! I felt the stress start to leave my body. A few minutes passed (which always feels like ages when you have imposed silence) but no voice from God, no still small voice or angelic visitation (lets be honest, I had kind of ruled that out). Oh well I thought, its been nice anyway...just a minute longer and I'll get back! Then my eyes fell down onto the ledge of the bridge that I was leaning on. There was a tiny (almost microscopic) insect that I had never seen before sitting next to a bit of (what I presume is) moss. I am not a lover of bugs (though I have long held the philosophy of respecting all life) but for some reason I was profoundly moved (almost to tears)at the sight of this tiny helpless creature who was completely unaware of my presence or my ability to end its life on the slightest whim. I watched it for a while and as I did I felt the verse come to me from scripture (Matthew 10:29-30) about the comparative worth of tiny valueless sparrows..."and yet not one of these will fall to the ground outside your fathers care" and I started to think about how God cared for ALL his creation...even this little bug. That all its days were marked and all its activities were noted.



And then he took me back to the sparrows and reminded me that the point of this verse is not the care for the sparrows or bugs but that comparatively we are worth so much more to him, that he loves us completely.
"Okay, okay Lord" , I said. "I get it!" but if you love me so much how come I don't feel loved? (please don't get me wrong...there have been some great moments over the span of my life of feeling Gods love (I wouldn't have made it this far if there had not of been) but I was talking here about that continued daily sense of love and approval). And then he said "because you haven't been healed". 

BOOM. I realised that when God had moved in my life so powerfully at the age of 18 and changed me so radically that I had instantly focused on what I should do in response. That I never addressed the wounds of childhood but just kept marching on...independent from any ones help and independent from the God I sought to serve. It was no wonder I hit burn out 5 yrs down the line. No wonder My self esteem had been such a driving factor in most of my life and ministry. My relationship had been based mostly on my love for God NOT his love for me. And here is the answer to that it is "not that we first loved him but that he first loved us".

Okay then how do I get healed? that's what I asked him......the answer surprised me....he said "You must be born again!". I don't want to get theological on you. I have since worked out that he is talking about a proper birth, a complete "new man" in Christ. To re educate myself to receive the fact that I am loved...to call him Daddy...to let Daddies affirming words of love transform and renew my mind. The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death...but the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace.

I have since noted that the world (and indeed some believers) don't understand God and view his authority with suspicion because they don't get that he loves us......without that perception you are nowhere, out in the wilderness......with that perception you are stood on the banks of the Jordan....About to enter into what he has promised you. I thank Daddy for the place I now call "perspective bridge".

blind spots

I'd like to take a few lines to record my recent musings on the theme of grace. This is the mystery of how we are able to live a life with God. There are two facilitating factors in this. The first is grace and the second is the holy spirit. To be in a state of grace means that we have been transported from the realm of law sin and death and into the realm of love, forgiveness and life. Its strange how we can understand all the "right" theology, tick every box and cross every "t" and yet still not understand Gods love. I could have quoted you things about head knowledge and heart knowledge 20 odd years ago and yet when something finally sinks in (a bit more at least) you are left wondering how on earth you could have been so blind, to not see how it really applied to you. The next step in this process is to realize that there is still much much more to sink in that you have no idea about. This should serve to give us at least a little humility...to walk lightly, not holding on to and leaning on our own understanding...to be prepared for the next surprise, to at least acknowledge the possibility that we too have blind spots.

It came to my attention recently that there was an area of my life where I'd been continually under-performing and had gotten into a vicious cycle of self loathing and failure. Because I was not measuring up I felt unworthy and hypocritical  which in turn sent me into a spiral of depression and prayerlessness which distanced me from God which made me more likely to continue to mess up. You see what I mean by vicious cycle! And then a short while back I heard a sermon on grace. And while the preacher spoke his soothing words about love and grace and performance I felt my heart melting from a long winter spell. I realised that I had been trying to perfect myself by my own efforts and utterly failing. I realised that God has no further requirements on me, that all demands are met in Jesus and I can not add anything to that, nor take anything away from it.

Now, at Bible college I considered myself a Calvinist and to have a reasonable grasp on the themes and doctrines of grace but somehow I was still trying (not to earn my salvation, let me be clear) to be worthy by my own good deeds...to put it simply "trying to be good enough". This is the beauty of grace; it completely conveys to us that God the Father loves us, unconditionally, just as we are. That love is not withheld (as it sometimes is by our earthly parents) because we are not making the grade or because we transgress in some way. He loves us completely.

Now one of the things in this sermon that stood out for me was this. He was talking about drug addiction and how some workers involved in rehabilitation say "stop trying to give up". His point, I believe was that grace changes the heart (inside out) and from there your actions change, whereas trying just to change your habits  (outside in) can never really change your heart. However these words almost sounded like the ringing of church bells in my ear, it was as though they were highlighted to me personally "stop trying to give up" and I thought if that can apply to that situation then maybe the same principle can apply to mine. Stop trying to be good enough.

The strange thing with the human heart is that it cant really handle freedom from rules very responsibly. Almost immediately had I decided to apply this new way of thinking I was also planning to take advantage of it. I was almost sinning that grace may abound more. This is when it struck me that Gods grace is something that we cannot handle without Gods spirit. When are keeping in step with the spirit, and possessing the mind of the spirit then we use our freedom to love and serve. We also understand why a loving God doesn't want us to sin....not so he can give us a holy clip round the ear but because he wants to spare us the pain and desolation of some of those darker paths we seem to chose for ourselves. In short its his kindness that leads us to repentance.

I brought this subject up with my aforementioned "spiritual director" because although there was a thread of licentiousness in my new understanding it was still beautiful to feel accepted again and loved for who I am. My plan was to allow God to deal with my sin rather than simply addressing it myself. My spiritual director then wisely pointed out to me that grace is about freedom but its about freedom to experience Gods transforming power, that I need to go beyond these issues of legalism and license and abandon my self not to my own way but to his grace and to use that grace to abandon myself to exploring Gods  Love and what that means and how it changes me.

So this is my great thought; Grace doesn't allow me to wallow in sin (its not there for that) Instead it gives me the space I need (to make mistakes and practice being obedient and faithful) to be transformed  by Gods love and power. Instead of being condemned where I stand, I am safe and loved and can discover what it means to be a child of God.

Risen Indeed

A seed that stays a seed remains a seed alone but if it falls to the ground and dies it gives a harvest disproportionate to its size. I guess one of the things I am realising this Easter is that we are part of a resurrection faith. That death and resurrection is the seed of our faith and as we grow and produce in turn our own fruit, it too must "fall to the ground and die" in order for its own potential to be unleashed. This is as it ever was. Our own faith was enabled by Jesus death and resurrection. And our ability to proceed in this life with him is pretty dependent on our ability to lay down our lives of our own free will. This is an interesting aspect of our faith...that we are to recreate patterns in our lives, patterns that reflect kingdom principles.

Paul says that "If Christ is not raised then our preaching is useless, and so is your faith." Resurrection then is utterly vital to our faith and if the resurrection power is to play a part in our journey then there must be a dying first....we cannot be resurrected if we are not first dead. Jesus said If any of us would follow him we must deny our selves and take up our cross daily. In other words a daily dying...cos carrying the cross is a death sentence on your sinful self. As Paul says "May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world" (Gal 6:14).

Its a death sentence on our own way too....for us all to die we must all also have our Gethsemane, where we first say not my will but yours be done. And like John the baptist we must also say, "I must decrease and he must increase". When we've wrestled with our selves and God, and given him our dreams and hopes and aspirations (so they are as dead to us), like Issac laid on the alter, then we can expect resurrection life.

I was honored to be able to witness the baptisms of three young people in a neighboring church today (On Easter Sunday, shortly after I began this blog) and the power of the Easter message was so amazingly illustrated in this very visual act of initiation. Each young person was asked to renounce sin and express faith in Christ. and then were buried in the waters of baptism and raised to new life. scripture encourages us to " Hold on to the pattern of wholesome teaching you learned from me—a pattern shaped by the faith and love that you have in Christ Jesus." And it is striking me now that these patterns we are to hold on to are spiritual laws (like sowing and reaping) and when the New Testament speaks about not laying again the foundations of repentance from acts that lead to death (etc)....it is speaking about the VERY FIRST lesson you learned as an infant in Christ. Repent and Believe. Die and be raised. This is the first brick in our spiritual building. Why would we think we were going to build with other things. This is the pattern that we must hold to unswervingly. There is NO other foundation. This is what Christ himself went through and we are to be mini Christs. There is no getting round the cross. If you want the power of the resurrection you must face the cross.

I am utterly convicted by my own musings here but I believe this is something that personally I have missed. I'd like to make it my aim to die daily and be raised daily too. There is no crown without the cross. How are you shouldering yours?? Splinters digging in a bit? want to change shoulders yet to make it a bit more comfortable? Bear with it dear friends its only Friday but Sunday is coming....

Okay, so I promised you honesty

With all my enthusiasm for lent this year (after last year was such a success) I have had an epic fail at pretty much the 1st hurdle.

Shortly before lent I seem to remember preparing and delivering a session for my youth on the character of Elijah. I'm pretty sure that the session was delivered off the back of a massive high after getting back from a leaders conference. I came back, not bubbling with frothy enthusiasm that wouldn't last but full of a quiet confident resolve to apply myself  in a diligent way to the furthering of the gospel and the kingdom of God. Or so I thought. One of the recurring themes of the study was the way that some of the incredible highs of the ministry of this, arguably the most mighty man of God in the old testament  (notably the showdown with the prophets of Baal) were followed by the almost suicidal lows of the blackest depression. The study pointed out rather perceptively that often it is after our greatest successes that we are at our most vulnerable to attack. It makes complete sense as we are caught off guard, sadly often by our own complacency.

I have to confess that this quiet confident resolve soon gave way to headlong plunges into pools of indifference, and less than cautious toe dips into the shallows of rivers of past sins. The thing that fascinates me right here is that when we are ambiguous about unnamed sins that the minds of our hearers will often race into all kinds of lurid speculations almost automatically. Another thing that fascinates is my almost immediate urge to qualify it and play it down. Honesty (or integrity) asks that I do neither of those two things. As I know people from my home church may possibly read this (and do I post it on my churches email google group as I usually do when I know it will make me look good?) I wonder about the wisdom of this. For any of you reading let me tell you that there ARE people I will confess my weaknesses to but this is possibly not the forum for such an activity. Let me say that I am human and prone to every temptation,  like Jesus was as he walked our earth. I must have confidence in my brothers and sisters who I hope strive (as I do) to follow the not judging command, that they will simply pray for me and bless me.

As I've said in the past one of the tasks of fasting is to hold a mirror up to our true nature...and on this one, job done! and the other is to rise above it.

This week I went for my first appointment with the man who is to be my "Spiritual Director". As we chatted in the presence of the third person in the room and he gently asked me "How is your relationship with God at the moment"  I felt suddenly overwhelmed with raw feelings of need and inadequacy but more importantly....longing...longing to know him and be known. As the Ghost of Christmas present says (in the Muppet's version at least) "Come in and know me better man". In that short but lovely conversation it suddenly became apparent to me that what I want...above all things is RELATIONSHIP and not religion. That my relationship with my creator exists, and it exists outside of the confines of doctrine and social cleeks and denominations and self imposed prisons. And like it did for Elijah in his suicidal low of blackest depression, it came for me yesterday evening, at about 8 pm, the still small voice of God, breathing hope back into me. Hope and life and the realisation that God does not want a relationship with the person I am trying to be. He wants relationship with the person I am.

And so I am going on in this ongoing journey of relationship discovering the moist and bloody fledgling of the new man trying to emerge through the cracks in the eggshell of the old man.

Lent: Read this before you eat your Pancakes

I was walking round my local village Tesco last week when I spied an offer for "Liquid Pancake Mix". I knew that that lent (rather late this year) was on its way. I wonder how many of those who take part in Shrove Tuesday will be going on to fast for the duration of Lent. Of course the tradition of Pancakes came about as a way of using up left-overs on the last day before the fasting started. Seems to me a little bit of an irony that we might go to the shop to buy pancakes specially for the occasion.

I'm not from an Episcopal or Catholic background and though Ive been raised in a Christian home I dont think I had a clue about Lent until reaching adulthood. We had Pancakes every year wiothout fail but I didnt have the first clue about fasting. Perhaps this an acurate picture of a certain kind of Christianity....one that revels in the feasts and avoids the fasts...that looks for the delights but ignores the disciplines.

For the first time last year I decided to give lent a go. My motivation, if I'm honest, was to make Easter a bit more special (with the added bonus of potential weight loss). I thought that if I arrived at Easter having completed this that my heart would be better prepared to worship.

In typical moderate style I decided I would give up Chocolate, sugar in drinks and Alcohol. Unfortunately My birthday arrived shortly after the start of lent last year and so within a week of commencing my no choc policy I had been given 3 chocolate cakes. Also I just kept forgetting about the sugar thing as its such an established habit. But the no alcohol  held for the duration. I had been hoping to feel more spiritual throughout this period but what I found was generally the reverse. Fasting very often exists to show us the utter domination that our appetites have over us and as Paul asserts the command do not covet only really brings about in us every covetous desire. Watch the film Chocolat and the scene where the mayor finally gives in to his temptation and wakes up having fallen asleep in the shop window after a mammoth chocolate gorge and you'll see a great picture of this.

As "Holy Week" came about I began to wonder how to intensify my devotions a little. I decided to post a status on my facebook page every day that had an Easter theme. I used Hymns mainly and bible verses. I found that the process of doing this caused in me a meditation and I was being deeply moved by it. By the time Easter Sunday came the service and the meaning seemed richer than ever and  I found that this spiritual blessing had caught me by stealth.

Why was I surprised? I should have known that God is a rewarder of those who seek him. Can I challenge you this year to be a fast Christian as well as a feast Christian.....but only if you want a deeper understanding of |God, all other motives will be self defeating.

Btw I like mine with Golden Syrup!

OMG

On my boys last weekend stay I heard something from my sons lips that I naively hoped I'd never hear. On approximately 5 or 6 occasions My eldest used the phrase "Oh my God". That is what has prompted this blog. Blasphemy is a hot topic in the world at large right now. Only 2 days ago Shahbaz Bhatti was gunned down for his opposition to the blasphemy law in Pakistan. Shahbaz was a Christian, and no doubt opposed to true blasphemy but for religious freedom. For him it was Literally a matter of life and death. We throw that phrase around so easily in the west "I disagree with what you are saying but I will defend your right to say it".

A W Tozer said "What comes to our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us". If spiritual reality is what really matters then this must be true. I can always remember the way my late mother used to wince when someone on telly or in the street used to say "Jesus Christ" and I wished that I felt that sting as acutely as her. The new testament tells us that Jesus has been given the name above every name. This is the spiritual reality. It also tells us that Jesus "became a curse" to redeem us from the curse. This is the earthly reality working its way out of the mouths of believers and unbelievers mouths alike. Sure it pains me to hear the name of the one person who can save us being kicked around like a beer can in some back ally but in truth....I've gotten used to it. Over exposure will do that to you and to be fair to my Mum....she surrounded herself with people who valued the name she loved so much.

I think the far more socially acceptable form of taking the name in vain is even more disturbing., in some ways. Oh my god is now regularly reduced to OMG. To say that we have a low view of God as a society is, I fear a touch of an understatement. And to know how desensitized we've become to it is even more so. When I challenged my son (very gently I hope) his total incomprehension was a perfect mirror of society at large. There is not even a register of  wrongdoing. It is as if there were no God to get offended. This is exactly what taking the name in vain is all about. Reverence is dead. Tozer argues that your concept of God defines the quality if your worship and life. If we do not revere him or his name....lets be honest...there is no worship.

My ex-wife just smiled to herself when I mentioned this and then shrugged her shoulders. She is not indifferent to the concept of God and is in someways far more reverent (not having that cringe-making over familiarity with the "almighty" that some Christians have) However to her this wasn't really an issue. So now I must accept the fact that for the 80% of his life when he is away from me a completely different set of values are being enforced and re-enforced. All I could say to my 7 yr old son was that God is the a very special name to me and we need to treat it with respect. How do you convey that when words dont sum up your feelings and the world doesnt know him, Lets be frank in a world where the word sacred is trvialised or personalised at best. Telling him these things helps me to re-asses my own thoughts on the subject. As Tozer says "Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God". After all that is where the true blasphemy begins....inside of us, where Gods significance in our lives is initially diminished and his influence is undermined. As Jesus says "blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God". Can we stop long enough in our busy lives to see where the impurities lie and seek Christ for our cleansing..


Bit of a heavy one this and I hadnt planned it to be so but the realisation has dawned on me that we cannot condem the world for what it does not know or understand. We must simply put our lamp on its stand so that it may give light to the whole room!